


Letters

by diangelonnico



Series: Letters [1]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Letters, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-23
Updated: 2014-05-23
Packaged: 2018-01-26 05:39:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1676750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diangelonnico/pseuds/diangelonnico
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A letter to Percy</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. To Percy, Love Nico

Dear Percy,

I’m in love with you. I’m hopelessly in love with you and I don’t know what to do. Should I hate you for making me feel this way? Or should I hate myself, for making myself feel this way? But I didn’t chose to feel this way. I didn’t want to feel this way. I just feel this way and I can’t help it. I’ve tried and tried and tried to stop, but I can’t. I love you. I love you. I love you so so much but I hate you. I hate you. I hate you so so much.

Can you tell me what to do because I don’t know. Can you tell me it’s not wrong to feel this way? No, you can’t because it is wrong. I love you. Why? Because you are so amazingly perfect and so handsome and so just everything I’ve ever wanted. I don’t know why, I just do, I just fell in love with you and I don’t know how to get out. I used to be happy. I thought love made you happy. All it’s done is made me sad. I did a lot for you. Did you ever do anything for me? No, but I still love you. I hate you. How can I hate you and love you at the same time? I don’t know but I can. I really can.

Will you ever return my feelings? No, because I’m never going to tell you. I’m not going to tell you how I was awestruck when I first saw you. I’m not going to tell you how I feel a sharp pang of jealously stab me right through the heart whenever I see you with her. I’m not going to tell you how many times I’ve imagined my lips against yours, your lips against mine. I’m not going to tell you anything. I won’t even tell you I love you. I won’t even tell you I like you. You know what? I’ll tell you I hate you. Telling you I hate you is better than telling you I love you. Yes. That’s what I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you I want to kill you. I’ll tell you I regret ever helping you. I’ll tell you that you don’t deserve a friend like me.

What if you see through my lies? No, no you won’t because I am an excellent actor. I have spent days and weeks and months rehearsing this. Rehearsing how I hate you, instead of loving you. I can lie and lie and lie and no-one will ever notice, not even her, the smartest person anyone has ever known. Even she will believe my lies. My lies are so convincing I have begun to believe them myself. I hate you Percy Jackson. I have always hated you, but really, deep down, I have always loved you. But I’m not going to tell you that. I’ll take my secret to the grave if I have too. Everyone thinks I hate you. But I love you and it kills me to know that you don’t love me too. That you’ll never love me in the way I love you.

I can’t tell the difference between love and hate anymore. I’m constantly at war with myself, with my feelings. What should I do? Do I hate you or do I love you? I love you. I love you. I want you. But you don’t want me. You’ll never want me because you want her. And she wants you too. I’m alone. So alone. I’m always alone. I’m used to it now. But I wish you were here, beside me because I’ll never admit it but I love you. I love you Percy Jackson.

Can you get me out of the darkness because I don’t know how. I need your help but I’ve pushed you away. Or did you push me away. I can’t remember. All I know is that I love you. I should hate you but I love you. I tried to hate you but my hate, it turned back into love and I don’t know how. I really don’t know how. I’m only a broken little boy but I’ve been through so much. I need you to love me but I know you don’t, you won’t and you never will. My heart has been torn in two again and again and again and I’m worried that it will get torn a million times more. Can you help me? Please, I love you and I don’t know what to do. I’m lost and in love and I’m lonely too and there isn’t a worse feeling than wanting someone who you know will never love you back. I’m at the bottom and I can never ever make it to the top. I hate you for making me feel this way, so lonely, so lost, so in love but I’m stuck because I love you too.

Can you ever love me back? I don’t think you can because I am broken beyond repair. You have broken me beyond repair. You have ignored me and beaten me down without even realising. You are so stupidly oblivious. To everything. You think I hate you, which I do, but I love you more. That’s the only reason you’re not dead yet, because I love you more than I hate you. I don’t know why I’m not dead yet. Or am I dead, am I only dreaming. No, there is too much pain here for a dream, too much pain even for death. Death is kinder than love. I have been shattered and I can’t be put back together again, not even by you, the amazing Percy Jackson who I love just as much as I hate. I love you more. If theres anything you should know, I love you so much more.

I don’t think you will ever read this. No, you’ll never ever read this. I don’t even know why I’m writing it. I guess I need to get my feeling out. My feelings that have been swirling inside me for years. I don’t think you’ll even want to read this. I don’t want you to read it. I’ll keep it in my jacket, where you’ll never find it. No-one will ever find it. It will be mine and only mine, my secrets I will take to the grave. You can never know I love you but I do and it feels like I’m drowning but I just won’t fucking die. I never really hated you Percy. I loved you.

I’m sorry. For everything.

Love Nico.


	2. To Nico, Love Percy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Percy's letter in return

Dear Nico,

I found your letter when I washed your clothes that time you almost died. I didn’t tell you I found it, and it took me a long time to read it (I’m dyslexic and your handwriting does not help).

I’m sorry you felt that way, and I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me. I didn’t know. Don’t worry, I haven’t told anyone else, not even Annabeth because I didn’t think you’d want anyone else to know.

I’m sorry I can’t love you back the way you love me and I’m sorry that sometimes you feel as if you hate me. I did try to be your friend, I really tried and I thought I had succeeded but obviously not. But Nico, I don’t hate you either, I’ve never hated you, not when you ran away, not when you betrayed me to your father and not even when you found me at camp Jupiter and didn’t tell me who I was.

It’s hard for me to write this because I feel so upset and so angry but so relieved at the same time. Is that why you kept running away? Because of me? Is that why you felt like you didn’t belong? I can help you Nico, but you’re going to have to talk to me. I can get you out of the deep, dark hole you think you’re in. I can fix you. I can’t love you back like that, but I can fix you. You don’t have to be lonely. I want you to know that.

I’ll always be here for you. Just a shadow travel or an iris message away. I was always here for you before too, I thought you didn’t need my help anymore, that you’d grown up. We all grew up too fast but you the most, you were only ten and I’m so sorry I didn’t even try to save you. I realise now that the monsters are not the problem, it’s our own demons. We must defeat them Nico.

I don’t want you to run away again as you always do, so please, please, please come and talk to me. I still consider you a friend after all these years, I love you like a little brother. I worry about you, I really do. When I saw you collapse onto my carpet my heart stopped when I thought you were dead, then I heard you groan at my shouting and I smiled, because that meant you were alive. When you were in the glass jar in Rome, there was no question of whether we were going to save you or not. When we did save you, and I thought we were too late, I almost broke down there and then, but then I saw you move and my world was put back together again. When I saw signs that you were in the labyrinth, ahead of us, I started running because I wanted to say sorry, because I wanted you to come back to Camp Half-Blood where it was safe for us. When you ran away from camp half blood, I looked in the woods for you all night. I looked for you all week. When Bianca sent me those iris messages showing me that you were alive I felt relieved because when I thought you were dead, the crack you made in the ground by the dining pavilion broke my heart, the mythomagic statue I tried to give you made me want to cry.

We have had so many adventures together, and when bob helped us in Tartarus, he told me about you. It was you that saved our lives. I’m sorry that you feel like I ignored you but maybe I just didn’t show my feelings enough. I referred to you as a best friend whenever I thought about you but I realise that I never told you that, I never told you any of the things I felt when I thought you were dead, and I should have, I really should have told you.

I am more sorry than you could ever know. Please forgive me. I miss you.

Love, Percy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> R & R greatly appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> I may have more of these but for now. 
> 
> R & R greatly appreciated! I love to hear what you thought and comments will probably guarantee more writing :)


End file.
